if i left today would i be missed?
am i really that impotent?
i feel as if i was nothing.
if i am nothing.
there has been so many happy moments in my life, and i really wish i could have them back, but because of the mistakes i have made in my past i live in loneliness and i don't know what to do, or what i have left. i mean don't get me wrong there are people in my life at the moment, but those are few and far between, not many people for me to count on... and that's why i sit here and write this, i wish i something to hold onto. i haven't had anyone to love in longer then two years, and the one woman that i want to be in my life i haven't talked to in almost 4, maybe longer, and it irritates the shit out of me, no it depresses me.
if one wish were to come true in my life, its to have the opportunity to show her who i am now. not what i was, to show her that i have changed, that i have grown into something more... spectacular. even i can see the changes that i have gone though. its surprising how far i have come in the last 7 years. from when i was 19, to today. i didn't like who i was when i was young, even more now looking back to what i had done, and i was doing to my self, and to the people i loved, hell even people i didn't even know. how much i have grown in the past years is remarkable. i'm proud of what i have become. but yet i'm unhappy with who i am... or i should say i'm unhappy with my life and the direction in which its heading. im living in a house i don't want to be in, i'm trying to fix the problems i created when i was younger, going to school in which i should have been done with years ago, and im unemployed. i have very little in my life to look forward to, and nothing to motivate me. its horrible how bad i feel. and i only wish there was someone, just one person that would give me the love i would give them. so i have some reason to feel to be here still. i feel if i was only a blithe to humanity.